Meditation Boot Camp
by Danger Angel

I just returned from my brain scrubbing exercise - 10 days of Buddhist meditation as taught by S.N. Goenka. After watching him on video 10 days running, I decided that he's actually a comedian. Holy men are always funny. Funny men, unfortunately, are not always holy. The two weeks of smelling my own stench were transformative, amusing and intense. It was a Meditation Boot Camp. We did Vipassana meditation and the word means "to see things as they really are" in Pali. Here's the gospel according to Goenka...

On the first day of a meditation retreat you discover that you have a slightly retarded evil twin with terrible Attention Deficit Disorder. Not only that, you have given control of your brain over to this evil twin. Oops. All the relationship mistakes, bad business decisions, compulsive addictions and communication snafus littering your history are proof positive. The first goal we had on this 10 day retreat was "Samadhi" or Mastering the Mind. It's like trying to catch a bullfrog in a pond of Crisco Oil. Buddhists call this having a monkey mind. I was born in the year of the monkey, so I've got it bad. Shut up my brain? Thinking is my olympic sport! But I was way overdue for a mental enema. And besides, the ultimate goal after the brain is trained, is to eradicate suffering for ourselves and others. The Buddha never aimed low.

I've never called myself a Buddhist (an ex called me a "social-climbing Buddhist" which, in retrospect, is funny), but Buddhism is the only cosmology that has a path out of suffering, and that's hard to argue with. It's a godless religion, the Buddha (who pissed off the Hindus by saying there was no soul either) was just a guy who figured out the way to liberate himself from suffering. This roadmap is called the Dharma or Dhamma. Thousands of people just like you have become Buddhas (enlightened/awakened/liberated). Very democratic - anyone can grow up to be president! Goenka said "The Dhamma doesn't write you a post-dated check to be cashed at a bank in the clouds. The benefits are for this life, right now!"

And there are no big, tricky sacrifices, just sit and breathe and observe your sensations.... In this experience we see the impermanence (and in later teachings, emptiness) of all things, how we create suffering through our blind reactions of craving/aversion, desire/hatred, attachment/fear, and through our ignorance of ourselves and how the mind works. So you sit and observe. A sensation arises, and instead of judging it and reacting - you are equanimous. And it passes away. "Pain. How interesting. Pleasure. How interesting." No craving for one or aversion for the other. And ta da - one can see things as they really are, sans judgment. Breaking this habit/pattern of the mind give you a spin-free experience of the world. But Buddhism is a DIY wisdom generator - nobody else can experience your desire/hatred, impermanence, and sensations except you. Books and lectures won't liberate you. There's no Jesus to save you, no angels to intervene. Just you and your brain sitting on a cushion.

My friend Andy calls it SMELLING YOUR OWN STENCH. My blind reactions, my monkey mind, my hatred, my craving, my ignorance. Stinky - whew! These are the things keeping me on emotional welfare. But I realized that self-hatred is the number one speedbump on the enlightenment freeway. You have to have a healthy ego to be able to detach from it. Eventually you get what's called "the death of the ego", where your sense of separate self dissolves into the vastness of the universe. Kinda like an acid trip, but the outcome is compassion and tranquility as opposed to a headache. The British zen guy, Alan Watts said "To understand Buddhism you must be willing to die, or go mad or become nothing." Some people think that getting rid of their desire and hatred would make them boring. Bollocks. It's like the alcoholic who thinks that if he stops drinking he won't be funny and interesting. You're more funny and interesting sober. When you see things without judging them, you can engage in the world more fully. Non-attachment means more fun, fewer freak outs. One can act more fearlessly when there's no attachment to outcome. Beside it's all impermanent!

On night 6 I walked into the meditation hall, everyone was silent and somber as usual. The day before we had started Adhitthana - Sittings of Strong Determination, 1 hour without opening hands, legs or eyes. I spotted a sign on the door that said "Adhitthana" and I thought "Yeah, the real translation for Adhitthana is hemorrhoids." I started laughing, covering my mouth, trying to hold it in... 80 people sitting there, grimly trying to train their minds and I was helpless with laughter about hemorrhoids. Classic. Then the taped instructions started and Goenka was saying the word "change" in Pali (the language of the Buddha) and I lost it again. He said "Anicha" and I heard "An itch ah". There I am trying to observe my sensations objectively and I keep giggling "An itch...ah!"

I made up lots of Buddhist jokes while sitting on the cushion - in the tradition of "What did the Buddha say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything."
Q: What's the difference between Nirvana and a permanent knee injury?
A: Nothing, don't be so attached to your knees... sitting through the pain is Nirvana. Can't you tell?
Q: Why do we take refuge in the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha?
A: Because sex, chocolate and alcohol turned out to be impermanent.
Q: Did you know there's a 12 step group for people who think too much?
A: It's called Hanuman Anon. (Hanuman is the Hindu Monkey god)

By the 7th and 8th day, sitting was less excruciating, my brain was behaving like a sullen teen doing homework, sensations were arising and passing away according to the law of impermanence, and I had plenty of equanimity about the whole thing. And the silence was easy - I only broke it once when a girl was writhing on the floor of our dorm with menstrual cramps. The medic in me leapt into action and I said to her "Fuck the Noble Silence!" She laughed as I fed her codeine, which made her pain extra impermanent.

Every night Goenka would appear on video for further teaching and comic relief. He was hilarious and ridiculously smart. Even if someone had never meditated before, and had no intention of doing it again, this technique would be beneficial. Goenka says "The Dhamma: So scientific. So rational." Not that it's easy - it's probably the hardest thing I've ever done. Definitely harder than cycling 600 miles. In Alaska, through the snow. Harder than moving to London and back. Harder than hospice work. For an intensity addict like me, it was fabulous. I can't wait to do it again.

It's no panacea though. All the Buddhist retreats I've seen had a disclaimer "Buddhist meditation is not a substitute for psychotherapy." I would amend that to "You should have psychotherapy in addition to meditation." The neurotic meditator is in evidence at every retreat. The first retreat I went on in '96 was led by a woman so neurotic we all rebelled. One of my teachers said "At a certain point your spiritual progress will stop unless you address your personality issues. You're not going to get very far if you're still mired in defense mechanisms." Practicing any spiritual discipline should make one a better, nicer, happier person. Huston Smith said "the object of religious life is not altered states but altered traits of character." If someone is still a selfish jerk, then therapy is in order. Jerry Falwell comes to mind.

I had a fantasy that in the New World, at age 30 everyone on earth would get a year off. You would go to a Vipassana retreat, do the Landmark Forum (they're creepy, I know, but they have a concise method for breaking free from conditioning. Just don't give them your phone #), and then you would have a choice of couples counseling, psychotherapy, EMDR or holotropic breathwork (for those that can't talk about it), or name-your-addiction Anonymous. During this year all the 30 year olds would work with prisoners, the mentally ill, the elderly or children. Only after completing this year would you get a license to have kids. I don't think it should be done earlier since the mistakes made in one's 20's are so valuable. But making the same mistakes in one's 30's and 40's is just sad. And having the same fears and defense mechanisms one's whole life is tragic. Like having a mullet after 1985 with no irony. Tragic.

On day 10, when we broke Noble Silence (Goenka said it was time for Noble Chatter), everyone who had looked so grim and determined suddenly beamed. We all agreed that we were totally high. Stoned on peace. I still feel it - the greatest drug known to man. Equanimity. Balance. Being in the body and actually listening to it - it's smart, why not? Happiness that is not dependent on external circumstances. And the whole shebang was free. None of the Goenka Vipassana centers charge money for the teachings, food, or lodging. You are asked to donate (and will - by the end of 10 days you want to give them everything) but it's not required. The food is plentiful and good, the center is beautiful, and the teachings are priceless.

There's a great documentary about this course being taught in prison, "Doing Time, Doing Vipassana". There are also some great books on Vipassana, my favorite is Insight Meditation: the Path of Freedom by Joseph Goldstein. Also by him are The Experience of Insight and Seeking the Heart of Wisdom (with Jack Kornfeld - the dude from spirit rock). If you want to scrub your brain, go to http://www.dhamma.org for info on the retreats. 10 days may seem like a lot of time for doing nothing - but it's your head, you have to live in it... it might as well be clean. And the happiness is worth every minute. May all beings be happy.

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