I love my mother- she was an amazing soul who taught my sisters and me many wonderful things about life, character, beauty and womanhood. She worked really hard to raise four young girls to be smart, strong and successful women and she did an excellent job- we're living proof. Although our mother is no longer with us, physically, we still hold a piece of her spirit within our hearts. For better or for worse, this energy can create patterns of thoughts about who we are and how we view ourselves.

My mother instilled in me many positive qualities along the way, but she too, was human, and had her own personal hang-ups about her body and the way she was perceived in the world. Like many women, she had weight issues and was persistently trying one fad diet after another. She constantly made comments about her weight. She never felt comfortable leaving the house without make-up and she wore padded bras daily to fill out her chest. I never knew to what extent this behavior affected me until my years later.

I've always had small breasts, but never really considered it an issue until my mother started buying me padded bras and talking about how she would help me get a boob job one day. I know that she was only trying to be helpful and didn't want her daughter to have the same body issues that she had dealt with- but in doing so, her thoughts on this issue created a whole ripple effect on my life and my own body image. Now that I am older and wiser, I understand this pattern in my life and I am making a big effort to change it. I don't want to be a women trapped into fitting some mold that is dictated by society. I am aware of the daily energy that I spend wishing I looked different, trying to cover up "problem areas," or thinking about a fad diet to fix what really cannot be fixed externally.

In the eyes of society, yes, my mother had a weight problem. She was never a thin woman. But, the truth is, she was one of the most fabulous women I ever knew. She had so much light within her soul that she could illuminate any room that she entered. People gravitated to her and felt good just being around her endless energy. She had the most amazing smile and her eyes were so beautifully big and brown. She had class, sass and a whole lot of what she called, "Oo la la." And that is how the world remembers her.

One of the last memories I have of my mother had such a profound effect on me that I began to realize how silly our perceptions of our physical bodies actually are. Before her death, my sisters and I made a video collage of about 100 or so photos of her life, set to music. Her battle with liver cancer was taking its toll and her death was inevitable. We planned on using the video for her funeral. The one positive thing about knowing a loved one is going to die is that you get to plan certain things together and share moments like this.

We finished the montage months before she passed away and all sat down to view it one day. My whole f ami ly sat in the living room watching the video through teary eyes, feeling so connected to each other, to our past and to our memories- which was all we would have of our mother once she left. I can only imagine what my mother was seeing and feeling as she watched that video- faced with her own impending death and watching her life literally flash before her eyes. What she said in that moment was incredible. She started to cry and she turned to us and exclaimed, "I was never fat, girls!! I was never fat!" Here was a woman- who struggled her whole life trying to look a certain way- hating her body and obsessing to fix it. It literally took until her dying days, to finally understand that it didn't matter. That we are more than a body and life is too short to waste our precious time worrying about it.

Admittedly, I still have issues with my body and I understand that my mother passed on both positive and negative qualities for me to work through. I understand myself more and more as I move closer to self-acceptance and I am thankful to be able to carry on where she left off. I know that someday, when I have children, this awareness will be passed on to them and will help to bestow a better sense of self onto their lives. It's time to release the negative thought patterns that keep us trapped. Let us not wait for our dying day! Start opening our hearts to freedom... right now!

First published in The Light RAY magazine. For more information on The RAY organization, go to www.theray.org

top >>