Without realizing quite when it happened, I found myself washed up on an island in the middle of the River of Life. It was twilight. Behind me I could hear the River surging deeply onward and in front of me I could just pick out a path that led from the rocky shore into the deep glades of the quiet forest ahead. Strangely,
I felt drawn to follow the path, partly from curiosity and partly because I was exhausted from all the turbulence that seemed
to fill the River lately.

I moved carefully into the forest, feeling the peaceful stillness wrap around me like a velvet cape of moth wings. I felt a little uneasy but not frightened. I became aware of a glow up ahead
so I slowed my steps and moved ahead with caution. I came upon a small but welcoming campfire surrounded by a circle of women. They did not seem surprised to see me - in fact, they barely realized that someone new was in their midst. A space was opened for me however, and so I joined them.   

  Emptying Into the Healing Fire   

Their voices were hushed and somber, full of emotion and shadows. As I gazed around the circle, I saw that most of the women were a lot like me, middle-aged with brave faces which hid deeper, darker concerns. Others looked bewildered or
simply forlorn. They were from all walks of life and from all
ethnic backgrounds. All stared into the fire and took turns speaking but not necessarily to one another personally - just
into the fire, as if the offering of their words might somehow give them some clarity.
 
"Sometimes the sense of emptiness is almost unbearable,"
one said.

"I wake up at night and wonder what the hell happened," another said rather forcefully.

"Sometimes the choices I made in my youth really haunt me," another whispered.

"How come I feel so alone and yet you are all here with me?" a brave woman uttered, looking directly at a few of the others gathered there... but after a long silence of no replies, she
turned her gaze back to the center of the fire.

It went on like that for what seemed an eternity. An emptying of things... into the fire it all went. I grew tired. I could no longer stay awake and bear it all. I felt safe here among my sisters, so I let myself drift off into sleep held by the warmth of the circle and the cleansing fire.  

  Mysterious One Arrives

The next thing I knew, I was hearing a soft humming. A deep lyrical voice was calling to me from some far-away place. Like a dream from childhood, I felt as if I almost knew that voice. I followed it in my mind and it grew stronger. Now the rich alto humming began to sing words to me, and even though I did not recognize the language, it felt so familiar. I opened my eyes gradually, wanting to enter the voice with my eyes, if that was possible. I was up in the mountains, at the base of a large open cliff face that rose straight upwards. I could not see the top, as it was shrouded in great trees that were festooned with dripping waves of moss and lichens. The air glowed pink and peach as
if lit by an unseen sun. The source of the singing was the rock face itself.

"Oh ! There you are my dear!" I heard the rock face say and as I watched, I could almost see a woman's face appear out of a portion of the stone cliff. She had a broad, brown face and dancing, bright almond eyes set at a slight angle and when she smiled it was as if the whole cliff glowed with the rays of
morning light. Yet I never saw the sun come up the whole time I was with her.

"I'm so glad you've come to see me at last, my Daughter," she said. Her voice was rich as dripping honey, laced with flowers and sweet spices. "It is time we finally spoke," she added. Then she smiled once more and a flock of white birds lifted out of the trees that formed her hair. That seemed to delight her and she began her humming song once more.

"Who are you?" I asked timidly, "and what is this place?"

She beamed again and said, "Are you not thirsty?" and just as she said it, I realized I was -- terribly thirsty. I had the sense of a gently sweeping arm opening a way forward and then I could
see ahead of me a lovely mossy glade with a crystalline spring bubbling up at its edge. As the waters gathered and flowed off
the mountain meadow, I noticed dancing wildflowers sprinkled up and down the stream banks and I could hear the river far below in the mists. "Please," she said, "drink and rest. You have traveled far and I will answer all that I can."  

  Drinking Sweet Water 

I moved towards the spring and bent down to drink. The water was sweet and cool. It tasted of the Earth and Time itself. I sat down on the moss, somehow it felt warm, as if I were nestled in her very bosom... and I suppose I was.

She began: "You have arrived on the secret island of Nolava, Home of the Crown Women. This is a real place, and yet, a not-so-real place. Almost all the sisters who arrive on these shores do not expect to find themselves here, so there is often some confusion when first they arrive. This island used to be quite small as there were not so many who had need of this respite in ages past. But as time has progressed and as you have
evolved, more and more of my Daughters have been shape-shifting themselves and so I have done the same with this
place."

I thought of the women I had met at the fire circle, and they did seem a bit lost and confused. I asked rather timidly, "I met
some women last night by the campfire. Were these newly-arrived ?"  

"Some were," she went on, her sweet voice soothing and
calming the discomfort I felt at the memory of those sad voices ringed around the fire. "And others have been here for quite
some time but just haven't gotten any further than the first circle. But when they are ready, all eventually find me -- in their own
way. This place is not a destination in itself, but rather a
stopping point along the way."

I was not quite sure what she meant, but she continued to
speak with such a healing voice that I was immediately drawn away from the memory of the campfire and into the present moment with her now.
  Grappling with Ghosts of Unborn  
"When a woman first comes to these shores," she said, "they
are often wrestling with dark and slippery clouds within themselves. You see, the Island of Nolava is the the place
where the un-childed women come to grapple with the ghosts
of the Unborn. The Unborn in all forms; the Unborn children that did not come to them this lifetime, the Unborn dreams of youth and fantasy...all those parts of a woman that she thought might one day flower in her life, and that, for one reason or another, have not. This is the place where she comes to meet them at last. It is a difficult initiation and one that is not much discussed outwardly in societies across the worlds, for to be an un-childed woman is often a role that is deeply misunderstood." She paused, letting this sink in. "It is often a solitary path and in the world so heavily charged with polarities and dualities, the solo traveler is often looked upon with suspicion, envy or even pity.
But all who arrive on these shores are my beloved Daughters, brave and courageous on the inside, though they may not feel that when they first get here."

As I chewed this over, I needed to ask, "So, who are you, then?"

She smiled again and clouds of dragonflies and butterflies rose up from the fields in front of me -- a rainbow of glittering colors and flickering lights.

"I am the Queen of the Crown Women and the Goddess of Lost Dreams," she said softly, "and I am here to help you find your crown."

I looked up towards her face and felt a deep wave of love welling up inside me, but as it rose the feeling began to change and
turn to a wave of sorrow and a feeling of loss, and no longer being able to control it, all the grief began to spill out of me. The fierce power of all the Lost Dreams began to work their way up from ancient wells long hidden deep down inside of me. I was terrified that I might be torn to shreds from the rawness and power embodied in these dreams. I felt lost, sucked under, unable to breathe, drowning in my own feelings of failure as a woman, as a person. This is what I had always feared -- this ultimate letting go, into the abyss of the dark pool of loss,
self-pity and self-loathing. It was too much.

Off in the distance, I heard her voice calling me back, "Do not
be afraid, Daughter," she sang out, "you are not alone and you must release these ghosts. Here... put them here," she said.
And a great earthenware bowl was now before me. And I cried and cried. I grieved for all the lost opportunities of this lifetime. I grieved for all the lifetimes of disappointments and unborn dreams. And especially I cried for the children who did not come through my womb this lifetime. I wept and wept until the very insides of my Soul were scraped out and poured into that bowl.
I wept for all my sisters who carried similar ghosts in their
hearts. I wept until there were no more corners or edges of hidden loss or suffering left in me. The huge bowl before me
was now full to overflowing, but I was empty. I slipped into unconsciousness.

I awoke sometime later feeling a little lighter and freer. The
great bowl of grief lay before me, still full and brimming.

"Yes," I heard the great Queen say , "yes, look now upon your sorrows and do not be afraid of them any more."

I sat there in the pink-rose light of pre-dawn and faced all the
lost ghosts of my lifetimes. One by one, they swam forward in
the bowl and showed themselves to me. What had once
seemed to me to be dark and terrifying monsters, ready to
devour my very life essence, were now a bit pathetic and sad-looking. I was able now to see how all of these dreams were mostly creatures that had been shaped not by my heart, but by cultural designs that I had been born into and which I had
myself taken on as my own. Hardest to meet were the children... the children who were never going to come into this world through this body. I was afraid to look into their eyes, afraid of what I might see. Reproach? Anger? Disgust? But they were smiling at me! Beautiful, serene faces full of wisdom, peace
and radiance. And as I looked closer, I saw only love in their
eyes, love that was Infinite and boundless and overflowing with compassion and acceptance. And I, in that moment, was finally able to love them... not out of grief and loss, but out of pure Joy. They let me know that there was no blame and no loss, really.
All was in perfect accord. Some had found their way into other lives through other women, and some had chosen to remain in the vast and radiant world where they now lived. They reminded me once more that there are no accidents, so I needed to trust
in the greater flow of things. They looked at me with such a
sweet radiance that I felt healed and whole again. It was an astonishing moment.

"Now, "the Queen said, "look up here."

I turned my gaze from the eyes of the loving children, and in looking upwards I saw a great wave of white doves coming towards me from out of the clouds. They were followed by three great cranes who were also pure white. The doves fluttered and swarmed over me, tickling my nose and eyes, and then they moved over the great bowl and began stirring the contents with their wings. The three cranes stood at the edges of the bowl and held the space. All was a blur. Soon the bowl began to roil and bubble and as it did so, the waters began to come clean. As I watched, a cloud of thick, pearly mist rose up out of the bowl,
and the cranes then gently gathered up the mist in their great long beaks and gracefully took flight along with the doves and returned to the pink and glowing sky. I watched them sail away silently until I could see them no more.

Now the bowl was filled with clean and sparkling water.

"Pour the bowl out now upon the Earth," the Queen instructed.

So I gently tipped the heavy bowl and began to pour the water back onto the earth -- only it did not disappear down into the
soil, but collected into a single great pool, like a giant bead of crystal mercury edged with the wildflowers of the meadow.

"Now look once more," she said, "into the pool your sorrows
have created."

  The Great Lady
   
I leaned over and looked into the beaded up pool and I saw reflected there my own face, from this lifetime, and I saw
twinkling stars overhead and behind my reflection. And behind me also, I now saw the Great Lady herself. She was clad in a silvery white flowing dress with pale blue and pink embroidery
all down the sleeves. Her hair too was silvery white and and it
fell off her shoulders free and long. Around her head was a radiant glow, indeed it seemed almost as if the light was
coming from under her skin. She smiled at me and, placing her hands on my shoulders, asked me to look deeper into the reflection.

"Oh my !" I gasped, for my hair had also begun to turn white. And as I watched, I saw that her hands were now gently stroking through my hair and while she did that, the stars that had been
in the sky were now being brought down into my hair and where they touched my hair, they were making the strands whiter still.

"There you are, my Daughter," she sighed sweetly. "This is your first star. It is the Star of Courage, for you will need it to finish
your journey and it is also there to remind you that you are never really alone. I am always with you." And she began to weave the star into my hair where it caught and shimmered.

"Next," she said, "Is the Star of Passion, for all Crown women have great passions in their days ahead. Each is unique unto themselves but they all have a Star of Passion to help light their way." I watched in the reflection as another star was woven into my hair.

"This star," she continued softly, "is the Star of Infinite Love. This star perhaps shines more brightly than all the others for Love is in abundance now and is much needed back in the world. Let
its radiance shine into your heart as well, for you too deserve to receive its light as do all whom you will encounter." She continued to bring stars down and place them in my hair, telling me what each one meant and letting me know that with each
star she was bestowing special gifts upon me. I felt my inner being grow stronger and softer with each new sparkling addition. Finally, she was done.

"There," she said, "you now have your Crown, my Daughter. "
And I felt such joy and gratitude my eyes began to well up again, but this time, they were sweet tears.

"Now close your eyes" she said. And as I did, I felt her hair come all around me as she bent her head down and kissed me right on the very top of my head. Then she stood back, squeezed my shoulders and I opened my eyes to see her in the reflection standing behind me once again.

"I give you now my Blessing," she said. "I want you to remember the joy in the faces you saw today, to remember the wisdom in the eyes of the children, and also to remember that you no
longer carry the burdens of grief, sorrow or separation. The children will continue to follow you with great excitement and to encourage you to share your gifts with the world. By not coming into your life this time, they have given you a precious gift, the gift of Time. Time to be creative in other ways. Time to show young women that not everyone bears their seeds through the womb
in their body. Some bear their creations in the womb of their heart. And some women give birth through their hands and give life to great works that benefit many. Be strong now and know
that all is as it should be and that you are not child-less, you are simply child-free...free to do all that you can to become your
fullest self."

"The Earth needs your sorrow, my Daughter, "she said, "and
only you can release it."

I looked down at the pool at my feet once more not quite sure what to do next. I saw my reflection, now star sparkled and shimmering with a beautiful radiance. And I saw the Great Lady standing behind me, though she was beginning to fade a bit,
but she was fading into radiance and light ,not into veiled shadow.

  Finding Peace

"I love you," I said, and I reached down and touched the pool
with my outstretched hand, and as I did so the water the tension released itself. With a gentle sigh, the pool came undone and it began to flow down into the roots of the Earth. I could hear the Great Queen, humming her lullaby into my heart and I smiled and, although I could no longer see them, I felt the stars in my hair. I felt at Peace.

I fell asleep once more on the mossy bed. When I awoke, the light was still like a pre-dawn sky. All around me, however, I
could feel the life in the earth beginning to stir. All was waking
up and getting ready for the new day that was just about to break forth over the landscape. The air was filled with anticipation.

"It is time for you to leave now," she said so gently.

I heard the honey voice inside me now, but also in my mind I remembered the beautiful woman in white that I had seen standing behind me, weaving starlights into my hair.

Instead of feeling saddened by what she said, I actually felt a sense of excitement and enthusiasm. I could hear the River
once again far below us as it surrounded the island and I
wanted to get down to those shores and get back out into that flow once more.

  Crown Women  

"Thank you," I said meekly, not quite knowing what to say. The gratitude in my heart was full to overflowing.

"You are welcome, my Daughter," she said. "Please remember our time together. Please remember that you are one of many women who chose to give birth in this lifetime in a different way, and you need not carry this truth as a burden, but as a crown of honor. In times gone by you would have been called crone women, but everything is in transition now. A New World is
being shaped, and you must bring your gifts to this new creation, for they are much needed. From now on you shall be called Crown Women and you are ALL My Daughters."

I smiled inside and out, filled with a new optimism I had not felt
in a very long time.

"Go now and do your best," she smiled and sang to me. "Do all that you can to be your authentic self, be a proud Sister of
Nolava, dear to me more than you know. We will meet again when you reach the end of the River. I will be waiting for you, my Daughter... waiting to hear of all that you've done with these precious days that are left to you."

As I began to leave the glade, I looked back one last time and saw the place where I had poured out the bowl was now filled with wild flowers of every description and hue. The sweet spring was bubbling up and now, there on the moss, lay another woman, one I had seen down by the fire circle when I first
arrived. She was deeply asleep for the moment, but soon the Great Queen began her humming again and I knew it was time for me to be on my way.  

- FINIS-